(December 16, 2015, on the occasion of leaving my first call at Miami Shores Presbyterian Church.)
It will not be as it has been.
But I have hope in what it will be,
because I have seen what it can be,
and God is good.
Those are the only words I could come up with. In the moments of saying my goodbyes, I was speechless. With a few more days of distance, I've come up with a few more, though not they're not nearly enough.
First calls can be all sorts of things. I have plenty of friends, who are much better pastors than I, who haven't had great first call experiences. It's a mixed bag. The Church is a mess.
So I don't know why I was fortunate enough to have a good one, a great one, but I will forever be indebted to the people of Miami Shores Presbyterian Church. You have taught me to be a pastor. You have been patient and kind and highly entertaining. You have presented me with the right amount of challenge to remember this call isn't all kittens and butterflies. You've let me lead you to strange and holy and dangerous places, and have only questioned my leadership while simultaneously walking the dangerous road with me. You have listened to me, and I don't know why. You've let your listening lead you out of jobs, and relationships, and into new and glorious and called things. Even seminary (which I continue to be immensely sorry for...)
And youth, oh youth, you've grown, and you've grown me. You lit the courtyard on fire and the Spirit followed suit. You roasted marshmallows and me on occasion. You brought Dr. King alive in a pulpit that needed awakening. You stared into the face of bigotry and told it to piss off. You taught me to be hard on people messing with my kids, and broke me in tenderness with ill-advised kitten adoptions. You created music, and community, and holy adventure. You broke rules, and my heart in ways I didn't know I could be broken. You let me into spaces of rehab and counseling and police station visits. You let me into college acceptances and world-changing ideas and crush gossip and snapchat. You made me laugh, and laugh, and laugh.
Some things you should know - Parents, your youth didn't suddenly decide they'd like to try McDonalds french fries. That's my bad. But they're so good. Various car and van rentals companies - you're right. Those dents were definitely not there before. And I definitely knew about those 30+ tolls I drove through without a Sun Pass. But I am grateful for your acceptance of my lies. May your mercy towards youth pastors abound always. To those of you who questioned my call on the basis of gender alone - your ideas are antiquated and your theology is small and dumb and hurtful. But you had the nerve to sit in front of your female pastor, on many occasions, and tell her you didn't believe she was called to this work because she is female. And that is bold. And honest. And I watched you struggle as you allowed yourself to see God's work through my stumbling hands. In your best moments, you acknowledged it was good work, and I know that was hard. I don't know if it was enough to change you, but I am certain God is working in you as much as She's working in me. (And I know that sentence royally pisses you off, and you know that’s why I wrote it that way.) So I thank you for staying in it with me, for allowing the Spirit to struggle with us both. And I pray that Spirit has worn some of your edges I first encountered, so that the women who follow me won't endure what I first did.
I am grateful for you, Miami Shores Presbyterian Church. Wise people say that first calls are important, because you carry that call with you in all the others you will encounter. I am hopeful that is true. I am a better pastor and person because of this one. So keep the faith. Never cease your laughter. And keep lighting things on fire.
